Grace

My favorite music to listen to is gospel. I have it on all the time. In the car, at home, on walks, while I read or workout or clean. Just all the time. One song I love is called Holy Water and one of the lines from the song is:

I don't wanna abuse Your grace

God, I need it every day

It's the only thing that ever really

Makes me wanna change

I was singing in the car along to this song and I began to really think about what those lines mean. How does God’s grace make me want to change? Because it could easily go the other way, his grace makes me want to continue doing what I am doing because He has endless grace and anything I do wrong is already forgiven. And there are people who think like that. People who are Christian because it covers them but they are not following Christ. I have been this kind of Christian before. But when I really think of these lyrics, that His grace makes me want to change, it rings so much truer than using grace to cover my sins. Have you ever been given grace when you really did not deserve it in this life? A friend forgives something nasty you said about them behind their back that they found out about, a spouse gives grace when you step outside of your marriage, your boss forgives that mishap that should have cost you your job, someone you owe a debt to tells you that you do not owe them anything, a child runs to you after you know you have done something terrible, looking at you like you hung the moon. Grace is such a kindness but it can also make us feel awful! 

I do not know about you but I do not like taking credit for anything I do not deserve. I do not like being freely given anything. I am a hyper independent person and I will rarely ask for help. This is good to some extent but it also has pitfalls, it prevents me from apologizing when I need to and can keep me in a state of defense which can lead to lying and covering up and when I am shown grace in the midst of these less than ideal personality traits, I do not feel lovey dovey, I feel shame and guilt. 

I feel guilt that someone would have to give me grace that I did not deserve. I feel shame and embarrassed that they know what I have done. That I got caught, that I did wrong, that they uncovered the lie, that they now know something about me that I wish they had never found out, that they have seen something in me that I wish they hadn’t.

And that DOES promote change in me. When I am shown grace, when I get past the uncomfortable feeling it produces in me, which is me seeing myself as I truly am, instead of who i present to the world, I want to become better. I think twice before getting mad and holding onto anger for someone else, I remember what they did for me and work from their love when I cannot work from my own. Because grace goes beyond forgiveness. 

Have you ever seen the images or heard the stories of men and women who forgive and hug their family members murderers in court? These stories tug at me. They make me tear up. That is grace. That is beyond forgiveness. That is what Jesus did for us. While we were on trial for murder, he stood up, hugged us, and then He took our punishment and we got to walk out of the court room unshackled. He did this for every single sin we have committed or ever will commit and if that does not make you want to change then maybe you haven’t been laid bare before him yet. And if you haven’t, I understand why. That kind of vulnerability is hard and he has given grace whether you recognize it or not but if you are looking for true change in your life, and looking for true relationship with him, show up with your shame and embarrassment and watch him wash you clean. It will be uncomfortable, I won’t lie but at the end, you get to see true love and true grace.