Intuition

What if I can’t tell the difference between trusting my gut and believing my fear?

I am trying to learn the difference between intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and intuition.

And I am finding that incredibly difficult.

I remember when my intuition very clearly told me something about my relationship before I found it out.

I remember the feeling.

It came out of nowhere.

I was minding my business, working out, when I suddenly got this knowing.

Someone was outside my apartment.

And something about it was wrong.

I knew it.

I went to check.

And I was right.

I knew it in my spirit before I had any evidence to support what I knew.

And then I was talked out of it.

Honestly, at that point, I think it would have been silly to end my relationship based solely on that feeling. Because all I really knew was that something felt off.

Wrong.

I had no proof.

Just a feeling.

A feeling I would later call intuition because hindsight eventually gave it a name.

But back then?

It could have been one of my many intrusive thoughts.

It could have been anxiety.

Fear of abandonment.

Looking for something that wasn't there.

Assigning meaning where none was needed.

Distrusting my partner when I should have trusted.

Because I have had plenty of moments when my "intuition" turned out to be nothing of the sort.

I remember one time, when I was married, Matt and I were planning to drive to Rhode Island.

I had never driven that far.

And I was convinced something terrible was going to happen.

CONVINCED.

I tried to convince Matt to abandon the trip altogether.

I was panicked.

I thought I knew something he didn't.

Intuition.

Except we went to Rhode Island.

And nothing happened.

We drove there.

We drove home.

Everyone survived.

My intuition turned out to just be anxiety wearing a very convincing costume.

And that feeling has shown up countless times throughout my life.

It is almost always wrong.

So yes, I had intuition that day when I knew someone was at my apartment.

But I only know that because I can look backward at it.

That's the problem.

I can't go around using intuition to run my life when I can't always distinguish it from anxiety, fear, or an intrusive thought.

So when I see videos or quotes about "just knowing" what to do or "knowing when something is off," I struggle.

Because my knowing isn't always true.

I've learned to take my time.

To not immediately assume that the things I know are actual truth.

Because the mind can deceive us.

It can lead us toward truth just as easily as it can lead us toward something we completely made up.

I was CONVINCED about Rhode Island.

I was also convinced about the apartment.

One was right.

One was wrong.

Which means the strength of a feeling does not tell me whether the feeling is true.

And that's uncomfortable as hell.

Because I'd really like truth to feel different.

I'd like intuition to arrive wearing a little name tag:

HELLO, MY NAME IS INTUITION. YOU MAY TRUST ME.

Unfortunately, anxiety apparently owns the same outfit.

So maybe the answer isn't blindly trusting my gut.

Maybe it's listening to my gut.

And then investigating.

Maybe intuition can be data without being a verdict.

Something feels wrong?

Okay.

Notice it.

Someone's behavior feels different?

Notice that too.

I suddenly feel uneasy?

Pay attention.

But I don't necessarily have to build an entire story around the feeling.

Because sometimes our bodies notice the smoke before our minds find the fire.

And sometimes the damn toaster is just burning a Pop-Tart.

Maybe the initial signal is worth listening to.

And everything that comes after it is my anxiety trying to explain the discomfort.

Maybe something feels different is the signal.

They're leaving. There's someone else. I've done something wrong. This is going to end badly.

That's the story.

And I don't always know the difference while I'm living it.

Maybe wisdom isn't learning how to perfectly distinguish intuition from fear.

Maybe it's learning that I don't have to know which one I'm experiencing right now.

I can simply say:

Something in me is telling me this. I don't know yet whether it's wisdom or fear. So I'll listen without immediately obeying it.

Because after you've had a moment when your intuition was right and somebody convinced you it wasn't, the temptation is to overcorrect.

Never again.

From now on, I trust my gut.

Except I've lived enough life to know that's dangerous too.

I don't want to silence myself.

But I don't want to blindly believe myself either.

So perhaps the real skill I'm learning isn't intuition at all.

It's discernment.

Not silencing the voice.

Not worshipping the voice.

Listening to it.

Getting curious about it.

And waiting to see what reality has to say.