The Truth

Over 20 years ago, when I was 18, I was depressed and wanted to end my life. That is a story for a different post but I remember as I worked through that time in my life that I heard a statistic that was scary about the likelihood that because I had been depressed and suicidal once, that I would be again. I remember promising myself then that I would NOT be a part of that statistic. There are other statistics I would like to be a part of more: like the statistic of the people who were only suicidal once and never again. Or the statistic that proves that people who eat McDonald’s fries on a daily basis are happier than those who do not. 

And I’m nothing if not competitive with myself so when I told myself I would not get back to this level of depression, I meant it. I have stayed medicated when needed, stayed in therapy, stayed learning and growing and feeling and talking and writing and processing and while I have definitely had periods of depression over the past 20 years, I have not gone all the way down again to where I think this world is better off without me in it. I have paid attention to the signs in my own head and body that tell me that I am getting to a bad place and then I work like hell to get out of it before I start to believe the bullshit my head is spewing about my worthiness or lack thereof. 

The closest I came to getting back there was a month or so after the breakup. I remember driving and thinking “I do not want to be here anymore. And no one wants me here.” This was triggering to me because it was the first time I have thought this in over 20 years. It made me mad, mostly because I had ‘lost’ the promise to myself and I hate losing to myself. It’s a control thing. 

I began crying, not because I was going down the rabbit hole of that thought or even because I believed the thought, but simply because I had had it. Because over the past 20 years I have become very confident that I would never go back there. And I was mad as hell that I allowed any person to make me think so little of myself that I went there. 

Next I gave myself a pep talk. I love the saying “don’t listen to yourself, talk to yourself”. So I started talking to myself: We do not do this, Maggie. We do not let the rejection of one decide our worth. We decide our worth. We do not let the pain take over. We do not neglect the words and actions of those who so clearly want us here. We do not decide that God is done with us. Only God does that. We do not lose the promise we made to ourself.

Whenever the thought would creep in, I would talk to myself. 

We do not decide when God is done with us. 

I do not decide when God is done with me. 

As you may know, I love to listen to worship and gospel music in my car. I turn up the volume to full blast, to drown out my own voice, and sing at the top of my lungs. I usually sound  like I have a little bit of laryngitis because I sing so loudly everyday. One day, I heard the song The Truth by Megan Woods. The first several times I heard it, I cried. Picture me driving, singing or yelling the words with tears running down my face:

The Truth is I am my Father’s child

I make him proud and I make him smile

I was made in the image of a perfect King

He looks at me, and wouldn’t change a thing

The truth is I am truly loved

By a God who is good when I am not good enough

I don’t belong to the lies, I belong to you

And that’s the truth. 

These words mean so much to me. 

They speak to almost every insecurity I have. 

Being my father’s child speaks directly to the sadness of losing my dad and thinking about having two dads up there watching over me has always brought me comfort.

Making my heavenly father proud and my dad proud brings tears to my eyes each time because that is a true desire of my heart.

Being truly loved speaks directly to the rejection I felt of not being truly loved and the fear that I am not truly loved.

Truly loved when I am not good enough speaks directly to the shame and guilt I carry for the times I did not truly love others. 

Not belonging to the lies speaks directly to the lie that I am a burden and everyone would be better off if I was not here. 

Belonging to God speaks directly to my fear that I will never belong to anyone.

After a few times of listening to this song, I stopped crying out of sadness because I didn’t believe the words and only believed the lies and I started singing it as my battle cry.

It is the truth for me as it is for you. 

The truth is that he looks at you and wouldn’t change a thing.

Not one thing.

You are truly loved. 

You are good enough.

You belong here. 

He is not done with you yet. 

You are not a burden. 

You are not rejected.

You are not alone.

We are not better off without you. 

Please stay.