Toxic
The word ‘toxic’ is really having its moment right now. Every person is toxic, everyone has had a toxic relationship, most people work in a toxic environment, all families are toxic. Or at least that is what talking to people and being on social media will make you believe. If we believe everything we read and watch and everyone we talk to, we can all assume that we are the toxic person in someone’s story and we are part of a toxic relationship somehow and that we are a party in a toxic family or work environment or friend group. Basically, we are all toxic somehow to someone. Even being too positive is toxic apparently. There’s toxic positivity, toxic masculinity, toxic femininity, etc.
And it’s toxic to use the term “toxic” too much, isn’t it? It devalues the true definition of the word by pure overuse and the word being assigned to almost every person and scenario in one way or another. The current term is so overused that it will make you believe that any person who has ever lied (all of us), is toxic. Any person who has ever hurt someone (all of us), is toxic. Anyone who has ever wronged another person (all of us), is toxic. Anyone who has ever been selfish (all of us), is toxic. Any relationship with struggle…toxic. Any friendship with secrets…toxic. Any family with issues…toxic. Any person who has not asked for forgiveness…toxic. Any workplace with cliques…toxic. Any decision made that you do not agree with…toxic. Any unhealed person daring to have relationships...toxic. Any person who believes they are 100% healed…toxic. Anyone who is too confident…toxic. Anyone who is too insecure…toxic. Avoidantly attached…toxic. Anxiously attached…toxic. Attached…toxic. Detached…toxic.
You can see where I am going here. Because the word is so overused, you can rest assured that someone out there thinks you, dear reader, are toxic too. I am sure there are many people who believe me to be toxic in one way or another because it seems that unless you are perfect by every person's different definition of the word, you are or have been toxic in some way. In our current culture, there is no need for repetitive behavior over time to labeled ‘toxic’, you can make just one wrong move and have this label slapped on you for the rest of time by someone.
You know what relationship I am truly guilty of being toxic in?
My relationship with God.
And since I am half of that relationship, I would venture to say that the relationship is toxic because of me. Thankfully, the Lord is not interested in a 50/50 split in regards to our relationship. He does one hundred percent, one hundred percent of the time, making our relationship non-toxic no matter how toxic I am or can be. And you know how you know a relationship is NOT toxic? It’s not because it is without hardship or arguments or hurt or sadness or selfishness or without sin but because the relationship always makes you stronger. If you have ever worked through a relational issue in a healthy way, you know this to be true. Coming through a hardship together will make you stronger, not weaker. The problem is that many of us don’t effectively communicate or know a healthy way to deal with conflict so we often feel as if relationships are the most healthy when there is no conflict rather than realizing that it can often be the conflict that makes us strong.
Even though God allows for the hurt and hardship and sadness, he stays with us through it. He sits with us while we go through it, waiting for us to lean into Him. He doesn’t necessarily fix it for us, he just stays beside us waiting and being the ever present comfort until we are ready. Ready to talk to him, yell at him, cry to him, and collapse into him. And then, and only then, he can make us better and stronger. Not necessarily the situation, but us.
And if I am honest, that is truly what I want. Sometimes I think I want a life devoid of conflict and hurt and sadness but the truth is, if I look around and pay attention, the only people I respect are people who have been through some bad stuff. If I am honest, the people I do NOT like are people who have never had to build that muscle that comes from working through something really hard. And it’s not that I am jealous of their easy breezy life, it’s truly that the most likeable people are people who have endured pain and the most selfish people are the ones who have not.
Same when I see lasting relationships, its not the lack of trials that seems to have made them last but the trials themselves. I may think I want a relationship or partner or marriage where we never argue or face anything difficult but the truth is, I want someone I can walk through stuff with and come out stronger for it. Trying to never argue or hoping that we never face any trials outside of our control seems like it would just bring me a lot of anxiety. It feels so much more peaceful to know that we will and also know that we will come out stronger.
A truly toxic person or relationship or friendship or workplace, will never make you better or stronger. It will strip you down into a worse, smaller version of yourself and will never have the ability to bring you back from it.
The truth is, we are the toxic part of our relationship with God. We never make him a better version of himself, but the good thing is that he doesn’t need us or anyone else to make him better or to lift him up. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever regardless of how we behave, treat him, worship him, pray to him, yell at him, etc. We can treat him in a toxic and unhealthy way and he will never show up to a therapist complaining about us. He will never stop loving others well because we were toxic. He will never carry the baggage of being in relationship with us onto his other relationships. He will never be triggered by anyone or anything. He will never have an anxious or avoidant attachment style. He will never stop talking to certain zodiac signs. He will never go “no contact” with anyone. He will never stop prioritizing us. He will never spiral, have panic attacks, retreat, get drunk or high, cry himself to sleep, block, or otherwise react negatively or self-centered because we were toxic. He does not need us to hold him together. He becomes no greater because of us or worse due to us. He shows up to us, full and perfect, and just asks that we allow him to help us. He will never ask for help in return, never keep score, never shame, never change based on our actions. We can be toxic and still be in a healthy relationship with God because of who HE is. It’s the only relationship where one person can show up toxic and the other person will remain unmoved, remain steady and whole and there and where we can become better despite the toxicity that lives in us. We can’t grasp it because there is no equal on earth to this kind of relationship and that is why this relationship is so holy and sacred and it’s okay if you do not get it right because the other thing that He brings to this relationship is mercy and grace. And it is new every single day!
