Overreactions

I walk with a co-worker or co-workers three to four times a week before work. I love this time with them and walks have become one of my healing rituals. Today though, it was raining so we decided to work out at work instead of walking. I got us set-up and chose a workout on YouTube that we could do in a half hour using body weight only. 

Youtube videos are my preferred method for working out. I do not enjoy working out at a gym or in front of other people. Occasionally I will take a yoga class but even that is difficult for me to walk into alone as I get very self conscious working out in groups of people. So I usually put on a YouTube video to work out to in my apartment and get at it! I yell at the instructor when I am tired as if I am in front of them in real life. And I do this in the comfort of my own home without anyone watching to see my ‘crazy’. 

Well, this morning, LaToya saw my crazy. I picked a 30 min workout for us to do and at the beginning of the video, while the instructor was leading us through the warm up, she described the workout: 4 circuits, 2 rounds each, 3 exercises per round, 30 seconds on and 15 seconds off. 

Cool. 

So we get started and we can tell during just the warmup that this is going to be a difficult workout compared to our leisurely walks. I think we were both second guessing my pick before the workout even really started. But we soldiered on cause we ain’t no quitters! 

We barely made it through the 4 circuits! But we did! The last 30 seconds of the 4th circuit, I just kept thinking “we get to do a cool down after this”. 

Then the personal trainer says “and now for our bonus rounds!”

What?

Come again?

No ma’am!

I am ready for the cool down! 

I have done all that was expected. 

All that was told to me in the beginning that I would need to do. 

I gave the computer screen my middle finger. 

We tried to do the bonus rounds. Yes, rounds with an ‘s’. Multiple bonus rounds. 

We did 3 before I lost my cool. 

I do not appreciate being lied to by personal trainers about what the workout is going to be. I do not like when they add ‘bonus’ rounds. I do not like when they intentionally count slowly or ask you to stay in a position longer than the time they originally told you. I do not like it Sam-I-Am. 

So I got up, announced that “WE ARE DONE!” and slammed my laptop closed. 

I will never click on this instructors videos again. 

LaToya got to see a bit of my crazy. She got to see a pet peeve of mine in action and my very emotionally charged response to said pet peeve. 

So why is this a pet peeve of mine? Not because of the lie, because I have seen way worse lies in action that didn’t bother me at all. And I have come to expect these lies from trainers. I know there is a good chance they are going to do something like this before I ever click on the video. I go in knowing that, and yet, it still bothers me to no end. I am sure it is some training tactic they are trained to do when they go to personal training class. In the same way that I swear all pastors are trained about where to put the inflection in each sentence while they preach so they all sound the same. I am sure Personal Trainers are taught this tactic to use when training us. But nevertheless, I hate it. I feel like I am being lied to my face each time. Blatantly lied to. And then I am just supposed to do what you say like I have no free will to see the lie, call you on it, and remove you from my life?

Hi, I am Maggie, and I am dramatic. 

But here is why this really bothers me, and why my reaction is so extra. It’s not the lie. I know going in that they may be lying to me about what to expect. I still choose to click on the video knowing that. Again, I have been much less mad for much worse lies. And I know this lie is really to just get me to push past what is comfortable and what I expect and do more for the sake of my physical and mental strength. 

The reason I hate it so much is because of my mind. Because my mind stops at the point I thought I could stop. So when the trainer told Toya and I what to expect in the workout, my brain set up to do just that and ONLY that. Anything more, anything unexpected, any change in the plan, any ask to push past my comfort that I wasn’t already expecting, and what came out was anger and an irrational anger at that. 

My mind is so set in its ways sometimes. Well, all the time if I am honest. I value and crave structure and patterns and consistency and lists and I have a whole set of expectations for myself and others and I have a huge expectation that when I am told something is going to go a certain way, that it does. So when it doesn’t, I struggle. My mind struggles to adapt to the change, to extend its limitations and stretch itself beyond what it thought was going to happen. 

This is why healing has been such a journey for me. 

I know that people do not always do right because I do not always do right. I know that people will hurt me because I have hurt people. I know that people lie because I have lied. I know that people will not meet the expectations I place on them because I do not meet the expectations people place on me. I know that change is a part of life because a lot of my life has been change. I know that forever doesn’t always mean forever because I have promised forever and then taken it back. I know that people change because I have changed. I know people disappoint because I have disappointed others. 

I know these things, we all know these things, and yet, we click on the video. We try for love, we make friends, we connect with others because the possibility for connection and what connection brings to us is bigger than the knowing that we will have to adapt and forgive and change and allow for humans to be humans. 

When I slam the laptop down and decide “I am done” with the workout and the trainer, I do not allow for the change that takes place when my mind and my body are stretched beyond what I planned for. Had I finished the workout all the way through, which was probably only another 2 minutes or so, my body would have been tired and sore but it would have pushed itself to a new level which is a huge part of working out–not just to get stronger but to stretch yourself and achieve new levels and be in awe of yourself for doing something you couldn’t have done last week, last month, or last year. Had I finished the workout, I would have been prouder of myself than I am at this moment. I truthfully would not be any more tired or any more sore most likely but I would have been a lot more proud. 

Instead, I gave up and didn’t allow for my mind and my body to adapt to a new level, to grow and get stronger just because I didn’t like that what I expected wasn’t what happened. When I won’t allow for change, disappointment, forgiveness, hurt, etc. and shut the connection closed because it wasn't exactly what I expected, I also don’t allow for grace, redemption, growth, love, and restoration and while these things often start off as hurt and pain, they then often turn into the most beautiful depictions of love.