What Brought Me Here

Maybe what brought me to writing this blog is similar to the reason you wanted to read this blog.

Maybe what led me to my breaking point sounds something like your story. Or maybe it sounds nothing like my story but you know what breaking is and so for that, we have at least one thing in common.

Maybe you came here because you know me and you care about me or maybe, quite frankly, you are just curious about what I have to say or what has happened in my life that led me to this blog.

Put simply: 2025 has been a tough year for me. I remember when the year started, I was excited for it. 2025 was going to bring my 40th birthday, my workplaces’ 20th birthday, my 20 year anniversary at my job, 5 years since I last started over. It felt like it would be a nice year because of numbers and my need for rounded numbers, rounded edges, stand out achievements.

But that is not what happened.

Something better happened.

I broke.

My heart was shattered.

My sense of comfort gone.

Things I had built crumbled.

But I rose.

I began feeling.

Feeling everything.

I began writing.

Writing everything.

I began yelling. Loudly. And often.

At God.

At myself.

I sang loudly.

I screamed what my heart had been holding in.

I dropped the act.

I put down the weight.

I was ugly and burned and raw and tired and selfish and mad as hell.

But I kept rising.

I kept writing, kept feeling, kept singing, kept yelling, kept screaming. But it was softer somehow. My feelings weren’t just about me anymore, I felt for others. I wasn’t just writing about hurt and anger but about gratefulness too. I wasn’t just crying from pain but tears of joy as well. I wasn’t just stuck in the past. I sang loudly in worship and awe of our creator as much as I was singing prayers over my life for things to change.

Then I began to see.

I started seeing the good everywhere. In the way my friends have shown up for me. In the opportunities and privilege I do have. In all that I have been given. In every smile and laugh and quiet night. I began craving the times with God I was having because they were real. I began to see this life, with all of it’s hardship, as the beautiful experience it is—even in the midst of pain. I started to get excited for who I was becoming.

Then I began to imagine.

Imagine who I will be. Who I want to be. What could be. What is waiting for me that God has prepared that I have not gotten to yet.

When all is said and done, all of this change is the biggest opportunity I have for growth and to become the woman I want to be. The one I hope to be.

So what brought me here? I did. I brought me here. Along with my army of friends and family who have never, for one second, allowed me to believe I am not worthy.

Pain, betrayal, heartache, change—that brought me to the bottom but what brought me here was me, God, and every person who pulled me up and who allowed me to heal through time, writing, reading, talking, singing, pushing away, pulling close, until I got steady again. And I am still wobbling a bit—I think I will for the rest of my life because that is what life does to all of us but I have learned some things in this healing process that I want to share with you. That I hope will help you somehow in whatever phase of life you are in. Whether everything in life is falling apart or not, I hope that what I have learned, the thoughts God has guided me to put on paper during this process, are helpful to you in someway.