Trust the Process
You know those times in your life that you know will just change you?
You can feel yourself becoming different whether you wanted to or not?
That’s what this is.
I know I have to rise up from the bottom.
But I have so little to give.
I mean sure, I have made an effort to not stay where I was. To get out of bed. To be productive. I love being productive. I have done the things that I need to do, albeit absentmindedly and a little less focused than I like for myself but no one has complained. My people have stood quietly and confidently by me picking up the pieces of my 50% effort so I can continue to look like I have it all together. That’s the true measure of friendship to me. The quiet warriors who step on the piece of tissue paper caught on your foot while you’re walking by without pointing it out or laughing but making sure that you do not go around looking foolish in front of anyone else. They wipe away fly aways while chatting with you because they know you’re about to get your picture taken and they’ll be damned before they let someone post a bad picture of you on social media. They pick up the pieces, not necessarily the boulders, no…I have to do that. But they pick up all the little pieces so I can save my energy to pick up the boulder.
Recently I was at field day and I was helping to clean up and I had to pick up all these little cones that we had used to make the lanes for the relays. It was fairly easy to put them down. But picking them up, that was another kind of hell. I was ready to leave them on the grass forever and buy new cones each year for field day…how much could they possibly cost the school per year? It has to be less than it would cost to hire a new Director. Or I could have had the kids do it and make it a game so they do not know I am torturing them. But alas, they were competing in tug of war so I picked up these light-as-a-feather cones but I had to bend down to get them at least eleventy hundred times. I was exhausted from bending down to pick them up. I would have much rather picked up one heavier item once than bend down to pick those things up.
That’s what my people do for me. They pick up all the annoying pieces I have dropped by operating at a lower level and they say nothing about it. They do it silently. They hold me close while watching me grow back into myself and then they wait because they know I am going to grow bigger than myself in a minute. They believe that not only will I pick up and move the boulder but I will use it to build a new home for myself. One that is stronger and better and closer to the version of myself that they see. They have always seen a version of me that I could not.
And I know I will get there too, I am just in that phase of healing that teeters between better and worse. Stuck in the past and looking to the future. Fear lives in the past and the future but when I can focus on the present, all is good. All is more than good. I have everything I could ever need.
There is a trend when I am watching tik tok makeup or hair or even styling videos-trust the process. That means that what you are currently doing, what you currently look like in the camera probably looks like shit but if you just trust the process then it will come out looking good. The makeup will meld, the hair placement will have purpose, the outfit will look cohesive but until then, until the process is complete, you might look a mess. You might look foolish. But TRUST the PROCESS. I am trying to trust the process right now, even though I look like a mess.
