Being Right

How the need to be right quietly replaces curiosity in our relationships

“Did you know that you could be wrong and swear you’re right? Some people been known to do it all their lives.” — John Mayer

“You can be right. And you can ‘right’ people right out of your life.” — Andy Stanley

My first date after my breakup, we were having coffee, talking about why marriages end and what we have seen in our own marriages and relationships as themes for why the relationships ended.

Real light, first date coffee talk…you know. Perfectly my style.

One of the things we talked about is the loss of curiosity in conflict.

In all of my long-term relationships, curiosity about one another went out the window. I didn’t remain open as I had in the beginning. I stopped wanting to learn more about the other person. I stopped asking questions that would make me their safe space.

Instead, when presented with a conflict or potential conflict, I assumed I knew them better than they knew themselves. I was their mom, not their partner. I knew how they would react to scenarios so I would pre-react or prepare for their reaction because I knew how they would act, react, or be.

And I feel the same was done to me.

We stopped being curious.
We stopped trying to dig deeper.
We stopped being teammates and partners.

We started being the opposition.

All to be right.

And sure, we didn’t put it that way. I don’t consider myself to be someone who must be right. Generally, if it doesn’t affect my life, I am not going to correct people just for the sake of showing how smart I am.

Mostly because I am not that smart.

The other day I was telling a friend about a show and I was trying to remember the actor’s name. I think I said something like “JK Sterling.” I said it pretty dang confidently.

And she believed me.

Y’all know who JK Sterling is?

Yeah… me neither.

I know who JK Rowling is and who, in this case, is who I meant, Sterling K. Brown is…but JK Sterling? That was simply made up.

Not purposefully wrong, but wrong nonetheless.

And she may go spread that name somewhere and then that person will either laugh or buy it and spread it further…and this is how rumors get started.

I digress.

I do not consciously seek out being right over my partner. I do not want to stop trying to understand them.

But the truth is…trying to understand someone is hard.

Trying to understand people who do things completely opposite of you is difficult. It takes a lot of energy.

It takes a lot less energy to decide that we are right and they are wrong.

But right, by itself, rarely fixes anything.

Right without love is just criticism.

Right without curiosity is just opposition.

Right has never improved anything without love attached to it.

Recently, someone I am seeing didn’t respond to something I said the way I wanted.

Read that again.

The way I wanted.

Because it is all about me evidently.

The way I wanted to just cut them off and never speak to them again was really mind blowing, even to me. He did not do anything wrong mind you, nothing rude or even remotely so, but I had an expectation and it wasn’t met.

And even though I write a lot about grace and forgiveness and chances and not discarding people, my knee jerk is still the opposite.

So I asked ChatGPT what they thought.

And what did they say?

Not that they were terrible or that I should cut them off, but rather that we communicate differently. That he offers care by giving practical advice and that I want care shown differently.

Is one way right?

Absolutely not.

Would it be easier to say that my want is right and their communication style is wrong?

Yes.

And then I would miss out on a good person.

Sometimes the difference between criticism and care is invisible from the inside of the moment.

What feels like someone trying to prove they are right may actually be someone trying to help.

And what feels like helpful correction may sometimes be someone quietly climbing above us.

Most people are not crazy.

Most people are not sociopaths devoid of empathy.

Most people are not narcissists.

These are easy labels we assign people so we release ourselves of any responsibility to give grace, to try to understand, to dig deeper.

Because none of us have extra energy laying around and understanding takes energy that a lot of us simply do not have.

I could declare myself right, believe I am right, and all I will have at the end of the day is me, myself, and I.

And maybe a lot of cats.

But as I have said here before, I want to empty myself.

I want to die having my heart be tired from all the love it gave.

Not preserved by all the love it kept in.

So I try to stop pretending that there is really a right way to load a dishwasher or a right order for getting ready in the morning, or right foods to love or right diets or exercises.

Instead I try to stay curious.

Curious about how you load a dishwasher.
Curious about what order you get ready in the morning.
Curious about what foods you love and which diets and exercises you enjoy.

Curious about what makes you happy.

Curious about what scares you. I accidentally wrote “scars you” and actually, yeah, I want to know that too. 

Because I would rather learn from you and love you than be right.

I’d rather stay curious than be right.

Because being right has done nothing for my relationships or for me…romantic or otherwise.

But curiosity just might.