What If “If They Wanted To, They Would” Is Only Half the Story?

I remember the first time after the breakup that I even found someone attractive looking. This was a big deal to me because I honestly felt like I would never find someone else attractive. And when I did, I felt like “okay, maybe I still have eyes but I still do NOT have a heart”. Not a heart that was ready for anything. My wounds were fresh, raw, still bleeding often. I was in no place to think about dating anyone but I felt like my heart or eyes or mind had at least made some progress. I could look but I wasn’t going to speak or touch or smell. I was going to use the one sense and shut everything else down. Not because I didn’t want to, I wanted relationship, but I wanted to heal more. 

Once I started very casually talking to people, mostly through apps, I started to get a lot of unsolicited advice especially whenever I ran into any situation where someone I was talking to was slow to plan or respond or where actions didn’t line up with words. I heard this line a lot: “if they wanted to, they would”.

I understand the sentiment here. I really do. I feel like the sentiment is for the person hearing it. It is in hopes that me, as the audience, would not accept the bare minimum from someone I am interested in. The statement is supposed to give me an ‘out’, a line in the sand, a boundary, a stake in the ground upon which I can look at someone and assume that because they ‘don’t’ that they ‘do not want to’ (i.e. They do not want me). Cause if they did, they would go after me with everything. 

And listen, I get this. I have seen “He’s Just Not That Into You”. I read the book before the movie came out. I do not think I am the exception to the rule. I think I AM the rule. I love rules and I will always assume that I am not the exception to the rule because that feels confusing to me. 

But when I hear “if they wanted to, they would’, I rarely think of the person who “doesn’t want to” but I think of myself. This statement simply isn’t true for me in so many ways and situations and circumstances that when people say it as a definitive statement about others, I don’t buy it. 

There have been so many situations where I wanted to and didn’t. So many where I knew I should and didn’t. So many times my pride has gotten in the way. So many times my fear has stopped me. So many times my anxiety had convinced me not to. So many times I have had to put what I want right now to the side for what I really want and so wisdom told me not to. 

And I am not just talking about relationships here, this is true for so many things. There are dreams I never pursue because fear tells me I can never get where I want to go so why even start? There are financial, health, work, personal goals I will never reach because I will never try because fear of failure stops me. There are things I really want that I will never go after because not failing seems like a better option than trying. 

Relationally, there are apologies I really want to make but I don’t because I am afraid how they will be received. There are people I really want to reach out to but don’t. Relationships (not necessarily romantic) that I want to pursue but don’t. People I miss who I have convinced myself do not miss me, so why try? 

The argument could be made then that what I really want is to not fail and I want that more than the other thing. And I can’t say you’re wrong. That may very well be true. And maybe that guy really doesn’t want me. Or maybe, all of us, have varying levels of ability to show up and go after what we want. Maybe some of us want something in the immediate that we do not want long term and we know that, so we use wisdom to not pursue everything we want as we want it. 

When I found that person attractive. That was all I could have done at that time. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to but because I wasn’t ready. Because only my eyes worked. Nothing else was ready. Want had nothing to do with it. 

Yes, we need to pay attention to people’s effort and yes, you deserve effort and I deserve effort and yes, when it comes to someone pursuing you, they should actually pursue you.But be careful when we reduce people and how they feel about us to just their misses. Be careful judging yourself based on that especially. 

Because here’s what I’m learning: desire isn’t always the same thing as direction. Wanting something doesn’t mean someone has the capacity to hold it yet. Sometimes God withholds action because He’s still doing surgery on a heart we can’t see. Sometimes silence is not rejection but protection. Sometimes the distance hurts because we don’t recognize it as mercy yet.

So yes—notice effort. Notice patterns. Guard your heart. But don’t build your worth on a slogan that was never meant to be your gospel. “If they wanted to, they would” might sound definitive, but it doesn’t account for fear, timing, healing, or the slow work God does in people who are learning how to show up differently.

I don’t want to live inside half-truths anymore. The full truth is this:

You can want something deeply and still not be ready.
You can be wanted deeply by someone who isn’t ready yet.
And none of that means you are unworthy.

If something is meant for you—truly meant for you—you will not have to beg for it, chase it, or shrink yourself to fit inside it. God will not let the right thing pass you by. The door that is yours will open, and when it does, both hearts will be ready enough to walk through it.

Until then, let’s stop pretending that readiness and desire are the same thing. They aren’t. And thank God for that—because sometimes the waiting is what makes us capable of receiving what we asked for in the first place.